Empty Nest Syndrome: How to deal with it.
If you are a parent you defiantly have heard of empty nest syndrome. It is a feeling of grief, loneliness and depression parents can experience as their children grow up and leave the house. For myself even though my son still lives at home, between him working full time, his friends and girlfriend that lives 45 minutes away and barely seeing my son, I find myself going through these emotions associated with empty nest. My son being my only child as a single parent he has been my whole focus for almost 19 years. As a parent you lose yourself when you care for another human being. You want to make sure you raise them right to face the harsh world. As a parent you spend endless nights awake worrying about a sick young child, as they get older a taxi driver to school and sporting events and as they get even older worrying when your child out late driving around with friends.
With my son’s strong independence I have come to some realizations. Firstly I am proud that I raised him the best I could and many people find him to be a confident, genuine, amazing human. I also have come to the realization he has been my whole world and everything I do and decisions I make he was at the centre of those decisions and I lost who I was. I am more than just his mother. I find myself now saying ‘Now what?’ Even though my son still technically lives at home even though he is never home I know I need to prepare myself for when he actually does move out and ready myself now and use the time I have to myself to focus on me and what I would like to do with my life. I find myself questioning my future and what does that look like. Retirement? Where will I live? How much longer do I have to work? Do I pursue a romantic relationship and even if someone be interested in someone my age? What do I do with all my free time? So many questions it can become overwhelming. So I have been doing some research. So if you find yourself at this stage in your life, here are some things I will be doing and focusing on to get through this life change.
Acknowledge Feelings
Acknowledge how you feel. Journal how you feel. Don’t think about the words you are writing. Just write how you feel. What is scaring you? What about your situation is making you upset? Acknowledge the grief you might be feeling that your child seems to not need you anymore even though you may be so proud of them. Are you feeling lost, confused, or lost your sense of purpose? Are there other parents who might be going through the same thing you are that you can talk to?
Redefine and Reinvest in Yourself
You will always be your child’s parent. No amount of distance will change that. Accept and try to look forward to how the relationship can grow into more of adult to adult relationship. Your child will need you in different ways. Maybe marriage or finance advice. Maybe asking advice about raising their own children. Maybe advice with their work. Trust that your bond with your child is strong and will remain strong as you stay connected and supportive of their life on their own.
As they move into their own and learn to live without you, we as parents have to learn to live without our children in our daily lives. Think about passions you had or hobbies that interest you that you may have given up or just didn't have time for because you were raising a family.
As I reflect on focusing on me again I think about all the things I always wanted to do but never seemed to have enough time to do. With so much time alone now I have no excuses anymore for not pursuing my passions and interests. Things such as writing which I now do in my blogs. I plan to get back into painting, gardening and simply enjoying nature. I want to challenge myself to finally become fluent in Italian language and brave enough to travel alone.
What Now?
Even though empty nest syndrome can seem like something we should dread as parents it can be a time we get to re-invent ourselves and become self-focused on our needs and wants again in life. I plan to view it as my reward for raising an independent, amazing human. Instead of my caregiving centred around my child it will now be entered around myself. As parents we can reclaim our time, purpose and joy in this world. We are entering a new chapter in our lives and one that revolves around us and one day filled with hopefully grand babies we can spoil and love and give back at the end of the day.
Enjoy you, and the time you have to grow in this new chapter of your life.
“There are two gifts we should give our children; one is roots and the other is wings”
